I have been in a major funk for the past at least two weeks, and I'm not sure I'm seeing much in the way of real improvement. I don't think I'm clinically depressed, but maybe I am, and just don't want to see it. Some of my mood has to do with the calligraphy workshop I attended at the beginning of June. While it was a really different and stimulating workshop, I came away from it feeling like a complete fraud. I hated every single letter I put to paper... I didn't feel like I really "got" what I was supposed to "get" from some of the exercises... sort of like I just couldn't connect with my emotions in that setting, and then I certainly couldn't connect what few emotions I could identify with the marks my pen and brush were able to make. Does any of that make sense to you?!?
I guess I was just very, very disappointed with my work. It's not easy to work beyond our comfort level, I realize that. And certainly, trying to do work that is new and different, in a public workshop with an instructor you've just met; work that is really personal and potentially revealing, can be quite intimidating. We were definitely asked to go places in our psyche that were a little bit frightening, and I guess I wasn't as comfortable with that as I thought I'd be. So add to my emotional discomfort, the fact that I just could not write a beautiful letter to save my life, that entire weekend; and I guess it's understandable if I've been feeling really disillusioned and a bit confused.
Sheila Waters writes in her book, Foundations of Calligraphy,
"Every student reaches a plateau where progress is not discernible. It is very easy to become depressed after an inspiring workshop. Knowledge tends to come in spurts, especially after enlightened reading, a class, or workshop, so that awareness jumps way ahead of skill, which proceeds at its own steady pace. When the gap is wide, and skill development seems to lag a long way behind, the student may get discouraged and give up. Realize that, on the contrary, this period is one of great potential advancement because the knowledge of how to progress is there, even though your present skill level cannot yet achieve it."
Those words have been very, very helpful to me, as they perfectly illustrate the place I'm in, in regards to my calligraphy/art. So, in an effort to move beyond my current skill level in calligraphy, I'm taking private lessons with a wonderful lady from our guild, named Dale Frankel. She lives close by and she's someone I've always felt comfortable with. I summoned the courage to ask if she'd take me on as a private student, and she agreed. This requires that I actually sit down, take the time to line paper with the appropriate guildelines, and write in a hand I'm not very comfortable with, and actually do the disciplined practice work I know I need to do. (That is opposed to just thinking about doing the practice work, something I'm really, really good at!).
I've also been reading books on working with acrylic paints and making interesting backgrounds. I guess I know in my head the kind of work I want to make, and now I'm laying the groundwork, so that I'll be able to produce that work.
I was in such a funk that I took last week off from work, very last minute... thankfully I have a wonderful boss and I had the vacation time to take! I essentially sequestered myself... I didn't answer the phone, didn't check emails, tried not to get in the car to go anywhere I didn't have to go, and basically did what I needed to do to take care of myself. These two pieces, at the top and bottom of this post, are little snippets of some of the background "play" I've been doing, with some "calligraphic scribble" (and I do mean scribble) added for interest.
Hi Kathy, I know exactly what you are talking about and I feel like that all the time... mostly from exhaustion and not having enough time to indulge myself ...I've noticed a change is as good as a rest, I find...
I think you are being much too hard on yourself... your work is amazing... and your use of color is so stimulating... I am inspired by it everytime I come here!!! I think you are so close to it you don't notice... from a distance it shines like the brightest star!!!!!!! and your energy is the fire that fuels it!!!
You are a driven soul... and that is good... You will achieve much!!!!
Posted by: gwen Buchanan | June 22, 2008 at 09:41 AM